|A nefarious-looking lone sweet potato. Why is there always one sweet potato left out of the bag, that gets somehow overlooked?|
I never cared for Dr. Suess - as a child, I always found something about the stories lurid and unsettling, as if someone had crawled deep into the corners of my dreams, and swept out all the bits of lurking nightmare and put those into a storybook.
But if you have ever read The Cat in the Hat... that completely describes what discarding and tidying my kitchen is like: The Freakin' Pink Bathtub Ring.
To clarify, the more I have cleaned, the bigger the mess has gotten.
This was supposed to be two cupboards that held food.
I thought I would empty off six shelves, wipe it down, put things back I was keeping, and jot down items on a grocery list, easy-peasy.
This has quickly ballooned into most of the cupboards. In for a penny, in for a pound. If I'm going to have to put the storage containers and disposable cutlery back together in the same cabinet, I might as well empty and wipe down that cabinet too. And break up the little party of complimentary coffee and water bottles that have mysteriously congregated there.
I have had to employ my best cat- and monkey-climbing skills to get in and out of the upper cupboards, which entails climbing up on the counter, while trying not to pull down anything on top of me or come crashing down.
About ten minutes into the emptying part of the deep cupboards that are puzzle-box pieced together in the corner with the sink, I realized that a Prada cashmere sweater is not proper attire for having to lie down and wriggle your whole body inside a cupboard to get to the back corner, where the builders never bothered to sweep their sawdust away, after finishing off the cabinet. By my best guess, that was probably 15 years ago.
15 years of back-corner dust and sawdust.
|Don't be fooled. This space was a lot deeper and narrower than it looks. It has a second shelf above it. Turns out I can fit most of my body inside this space without even having to curl up.|
And as I was wriggling around in there, trying to work my left arm free to get at a big pile of sawdust in one corner, it occurred to me to wonder: I am five feet tall, in my fully-grown adult form. I was always the smallest kid in class.
How is it, I wonder, that nobody ever succumbed to the temptation of trying to stuff me into a locker?
Either I looked meaner, or was meaner, than I remember. Or perhaps I was very good at melting into the background scenery and disappearing when I saw other kids getting hazed.
Anyway, here are some super-fun pictures of this experience, so far. The cupboards over the fridge, which contain small kitchen appliances: crock-pot, coffee grinder, soft cooler, will also get emptied. Under the kitchen sink was finished a few weeks ago when we replaced the garbage disposal.
So far, I have taken a gret deal of pleasure in going through the KonMari Method of discarding and tidying... but not today. Today... is The Kitchen.
I effin' hate The Kitchen.
I found the candy stash on the top shelf of the food cabinet. Mmmmm. But wine gums are no match for The Kitchen. The Kitchen is possibly one of the four things in the entire Universe not made better with candy. Candy does not make this experience better.
Well. I would love to stand here and complain all afternoon... but The Kitchen ain't gonna tidy itself.